The 15 Rules to Fight Fair Guide
If you’re here, there’s a good chance you and your partner are stuck in the same fight on repeat. You try to talk it through, but it quickly turns into defensiveness, shutdowns, raised voices, or one of you walking away feeling misunderstood again. The details change, but the ending never does. There’s nothing more painful than trying to connect with your partner and missing every time. Over time, these unresolved fights create distance, resentment, and a growing sense of emotional unsafety, even when love is still there.
The 15 Rules to Fight Fair Guide offers a clear, practical way to slow things down, fight without causing damage, and start having conversations that feel safer, more honest, and actually productive. These rules are the exact tools she uses with couples in therapy to create emotional safety and help both partners feel heard, even when they do not agree.
The 15 Rules to Fight Fair
No zapping.
That means no name calling, no snide remarks, no eye rolls or put-downs. Even facial expressions count here.Don’t interrupt.
Let the other person finish before you speak.No cross-complaining.
When your partner brings something up, don’t jump in with a complaint of your own. Stay with what they’re sharing.No bringing up the past.
Avoid words like “always,” “never,” and “should.” Stick to the current issue.Stick to the issue.
Don’t start looping in ten other things. Stay focused.No physical violence.
Ever. That’s a non-negotiable boundary.Don’t play psychologist.
Don’t try to tell your partner what they’re thinking, feeling, or why they’re doing what they’re doing.No emotional blackmail.
Don’t weaponize love.
“If you really loved me, you would…” isn’t fair.Don’t make speeches.
Say what you need to say, then stop. Let your partner respond.Answer questions directly.
Don’t dodge. Don’t deflect. Just be honest.Own your stuff.
Use “I” statements instead of “you” accusations.Timeouts are okay.
If things are getting too heated, take a break. But come back to it within 24 hours.Negotiate.
A. State your gripe as a positive request.
B. Offer alternatives.
C. Talk through the pros and cons.
D. And work toward a solution—not a win.Be accepting.
You are two different people. You won’t always see things the same way.Paraphrase.
Restate what you think you heard to check for understanding.
Just listening—really listening—can sometimes be enough to start softening tension.
As you move through these rules, the goal isn’t to master all fifteen or to use them to police your partner’s behavior. This guide works best when you turn the focus inward and notice your own patterns in conflict. The rules that feel hardest to follow are often the ones pointing directly at your triggers, and that awareness is where change begins. You cannot control how your partner fights, communicates, or shows up, but you do have influence over your own responses.
When you slow yourself down, take pauses when emotions run high, and return to the conversation with intention, the entire dynamic begins to shift. Progress might look like fewer blowups, quicker repair, or simply feeling safer staying in the conversation instead of shutting down or escalating. The goal is not to win or to agree on everything, but to move toward resolution that feels honest, respectful, and connecting.
When even one person starts fighting differently, it creates space for the relationship to feel less reactive and more like a team again.
If weekly couples therapy isn't realistic for your time or budget, that doesn't mean you're out of options. It means you need something that fits real life.
I created an online couples course to teach the same tools I use in therapy, without the weekly appointments or the cost.
Other Counseling Services I Offer in Norco, Riverside, and Online Throughout California
Couples counseling is often the entry point, but lasting relationship change usually involves more than one layer of support. Many couples benefit from individual, family, or trauma-focused work alongside couples therapy, especially when past experiences, parenting stress, or life transitions are impacting the relationship. My approach is designed to support both the relationship and the individuals within it.
In addition to couples counseling, I offer:
• Premarital Counseling
• Infidelity and Betrayal Recovery
• Communication and Relationship Skills Counseling
• Individual Therapy
• Anxiety Therapy
• Depression Therapy
• PTSD Therapy
• Therapy for Life Transitions
• Trauma Therapy
• EMDR Therapy
• Therapy for Relational Trauma
• Therapy for Trauma Related to Accidents, Abuse, or Medical Experiences
• Family Therapy
• Co-Parenting Counseling
• Parenting Support
• Support for Neurodiversity and Spectrum Disorders
• Therapy for Kids
• Therapy for Teens
• Play Therapy
• Postpartum Therapy
Whether you’re seeking support as a couple, an individual, or a family, each service is offered with the same goal: to create emotional safety, build healthier patterns, and support meaningful, lasting change.